Hello beautiful people, how have you been? I think it's fair to say that I disappeared from the map, I was MIA, I'm sorry I left things like that, I don't know how many of you really enjoyed my blog, or if I had people waiting for the next post, but for me it was an escape route, a way to break free my mind.

But the truth is that you cannot always escape from what is chasing you, no matter what you try, you always go back to the starting point, the only solution is to face it, admit that there is something that is not right, speak from the heart and be honest with yourself. Give yourself the opportunity to cry, to feel bad, to know that there are things that you cannot deal with alone and then ask for help.

The truth is that it is brave to ask for help, you must have the courage to admit that you are not super powerful, that you are allowed to feel bad, or fragile, that sometimes it is not just to say: "everything is fine, do not think about that". We have the wrong way of approaching these issues, of easily "sweeping" the problems of others as if they were not so important. The truth is, someone's problems may seem easy to you, but that doesn't mean they really are.

I always considered myself a strong person, who is not affected by many things, but the reality is that I accumulated a lot of baggage, many things that I never said, things that hurt me, that traumatized me, that seemed unfair, that should not happen but That I lived. I had everything stored in a box at the back of my mind and I began to develop insecurities, I began to neglect myself, to spend days in isolation, to have insomnia and I blame it on my job or not having time to rest.

But it turns out that your brain has an interesting way of telling you that you are wrong, that you should pay attention, and when you finally have a rest period (in my case losing my job due to the pandemic), it gave me the opportunity to pay attention to my mental health, but it also made me remember, review and relive all those moments that I didn't want to remember, that I didn't want to think about. I think it had a double effect, I think I had to hit some kind of bottom to realize the spiral that I was getting into, and be able to admit what I felt, what was happening to me and ask for help.

I can't speak for anyone else, I can't speak about how everyone feels, but I can speak about what happened to me, what I felt, what I experienced. The desperate emptiness, to stop doing everything because there simply is no longer a sense of why you should do it, not to find happiness in what you do, to lose that spark, I think that was what scared me the most, to feel that It wasn't me, I was no longer smiling. There were days when I didn't want to wake up, I wanted to be in an endless dream so that the days could run their course without me, there were days when I was a functional but automatic person and there were days when I proposed to do something but I just didn't do it.

Not every day you feel the same, not every day is black, but every day you feel as if that hollow will swallow you more and more and there is no way out, it is like an eternal regret, you lose your identity, your desire to live, to eat, to be you. And you are terribly afraid to speak out because you think that they will not understand you or that they will make fun of you so you simply keep quiet. I think my peak was that very deep cut that almost changed everything, that microsecond that made me open my eyes and say I don't want this!, I didn't want to go on like this, I didn't want to disappear.

From that moment on, I began to recover little by little, I decided to have medical help, someone to teach me techniques, to listen to me, to guide me, I began to regain my life, to resume the plans that I had discarded, the projects that I wanted to build. It is not something that happens from one day to the next, it does not mean that I stop having bad days, but now I try not to immerse myself in those bad days, I live them, I accept them, but I do not let them control my life.

One thing I want to get back is this blog, something that made me very happy. write, create, know that I can have an audience that likes my post, or maybe help someone through my words. But I couldn't get it back without them knowing why I left it in the first place, and I also think there are many people out there who need to know that it is normal to feel drowned, or to feel that there is no way out, and to hear that if there is, what if you can feel yourself better, that if you can speak it, that there is no reason to feel alone.

For all those who need it, it is NOT WRONG to have anxiety or depression, or to feel mentally exhausted, you are not defective, you are not less of a person than someone who does not suffer from this. YOU ARE NOT ALONE, so no matter what, talk to someone, even if they are a complete stranger on the net, seek support, this life is full of many things that are worth experiencing, do not miss them, and if you know someone who is going through this, be his support, be his friend, push him to move on, do not be one of those who mocks or makes his confession something bad.

Finally, I want to tell you that I am going to return with many more posts, with great things, with series, music, movies, and all the topics you want to read, so look forward to it and if you want me to write about something in particular let me know at the comments.

XOXO Li.