MY PERSONAL STORY!

Hello beautiful people, how have you been? what has become of your lives?

I know you haven't heard from me in a while, maybe some have wondered what happened and others just put this blog aside.

The truth is that I have been struggling with depression for years and certain events that occurred in my life caused me to sink further into that black hole. Has it happened to you that when something bad occurs you don't give yourself the opportunity to feel it, because there are more important things to solve than what happened, but then at some point all that feeling arises and explodes a thousand times more intense and painful?.

Well, that's how it happened to me, I've always dealt with not feeling good about myself, insecurity because I didn't think I was smart enough, but they were manageable, I always got something or someone to help me stay afloat and fighting.

Three years ago I moved from my country (Venezuela), due to all the economic and social problems that were happening, my girlfriend and I decided that it was time to go and find a better life for ourselves and after so much thinking we move to Colombia.

At a certain point we knew that it wouldn't be easy, that we would have to work hard to achieve stability and the truth was that I was fine with that, it is normal to have to emerge in a country that is not yours and you must always be patient.

What I did not expect was to meet such abominable and unpleasant beings (because in reality there are no better words), I always thought that the stories I heard in the news or in the movies happened to other people, but not to me, never to me. (I know, it's a very wrong thought)

We didn't have much time in the country and we arrived at a house with a seemingly normal family, nothing out of the ordinary, my girlfriend and I had our own room but everything else was shared with them.

We believed that since the rent was cheap, it would be good for us since that way we could start saving from our work and send money to our family in Venezuela. 

If I could turn back time, I would never choose that house again; at first everything was normal but then the owner began to behave horrible, he started harassing me, he tried to invade our privacy, he went to the bathroom when one of us was taking a shower, and we tried to leave but we had no money at the time, what we earned was not much and we were afraid, afraid of not knowing anything or anyone here.

We devised a way to never be alone, we always stayed with one of his young children and tried to have as little contact as possible with him. 

But then my girlfriend got a job in a bar and worked until dawn and they didn't allow me to be there and it was logical, if I was not an employee or a client I had nothing to do there, so I suppose he saw that moment as his opportunity because he started harassing me even more, and it got worse, I was so scared that I started sleeping in his children's room so that I wouldn't be alone until my girlfriend came home from work, and if there was no one else at home, I would stayed on the street or in a park.

We already had enough money saved and we had decided to leave, we no longer cared and we could not continue in that house, but like all stories there must be a terrible moment, only a moment was enough to have me as he wanted, alone and defenseless, it was the worst moment of my whole life, the impotence of not being able to defend myself, how dirty I felt, and how surprised I was to see how easy it can be for a woman to suffer at the hands of a man.

But at that moment I couldn't allow myself to feel anything else, I didn't allow myself to cry, or tell anyone, not even my girlfriend, she knew there was something wrong with me but she didn't know what it was. 

We were able to leave there, escape from that hell, I had to get ahead, get myself a job, survive in this new country and for a long time I did not allow myself to feel anything, I had occasional nightmares and days when I did not want to get out of bed but I always said to myself: "You cannot allow yourself to collapse, you have a job to do and stability to gain."

And that worked for me for a while, yes, we had a hard time, it was not easy, but we managed to be stable, get an apartment to live in, buy our things, have money saved, and live...

All until this virus came and we had to stay in our houses, unfortunately I lost my job and I started having A LOT of free time. I began to have problems sleeping, I did not eat, and I started to withdraw, the nightmares became more real and I relived that moment over and over again, I thought about what I could have done differently, if it was my fault.

I had three months like this until one night I couldn't take it anymore and I told my girlfriend everything, I talked about all that happened, I cried, I unloaded and took out every last ounce of pain in my chest, and it was the first night I slept without a single dream, all night, calm, relaxed.

The next day I felt better, so I decided to write it all and send it to the other person I have loved with all my heart, my ex-boyfriend, my best friend, and I felt even better, it was as if the weight of all that secret was lifted, it was no longer just mine. 

After a few weeks I decided to talk to my cousin, someone who supported me a lot when I said that I liked women, who gave me the best advice when I told him I was going to another country and listen to me at any time without problems, and I realized that the best thing we can do is TALK, say everything, get it out, and share every detail, it is difficult, yes, but it's so liberating when you finally tell it all, it's like it's lost his power over you and little by little you live again.

I understood that you also need a support group, a therapist, someone who has tools to help you take one day at a time, to try to forget, to be yourself again and stop being afraid. 

I stopped writing this blog because I did not feel good, I didn't feel like myself, I could not think of anything else, and the idea of creating all this was to be able to give you a piece of me, my tastes, my opinions, and also that you could had a moment of distraction, of not thinking about what happens in the world, and during that time I didn't have the thrill of doing it.

Today I am much better, today I'm me again, I have a new pet, I'm in a new apartment and life looks a little more colorful, but I think I had to write this before returning with the posts because the world deserves to know that yes, there are horrible things that happen to great people, it is hard to love yourself without details, but also that it's never too late to ask for help, that we should ask for help because sometimes we cannot do it alone and that everything always gets better.

A BIG THANK YOU to you guys! (and without a doubt you know who you are) I think my life wouldn't be the same without you, I love you very much, you are my everything and my best support. Thank you, I'm really grateful for having you guys!!

P.D: If you are reading this, and you went through a similar situation, an unpleasant moment with someone, no matter what, talk about it, ask for help, tell someone about it. Don't suffer in silence.

XOXO Li.